Go(o)d Things This Week

I have had a lot of negative things to write about lately. So much so, that I feel I should take a little time to recount a few of the good things. Hopefully I came to this realization before those who care about me put me on a suicide watch or people in general stop reading because they find it too depressing. Yes, bad things have been happening to me. No, I have not lost my faith or my peace or my joy.

So, as bad as the last couple of weeks have been, here are a few of the better moments.

I finally got to spend some time with my daughter. She has been running around like crazy and I hardly saw her this summer, but this weekend we got to sort of reconnect. That was a blessing.

I saw a great movie this week.

I spoke to at least five different people this week who made me feel loved and/or made me smile.

I didn't lose my favorite, ever so hip, reading glasses this week (even though I gave it a good try).

I realized that being used by God feels better than sex.

I realized that having a good reputation is better than having a big screen TV.

I realized that having faith, joy and peace is better than having perfect health.

A friend of mine fixed my car for less than half of what having it repaired at the dealership would have cost me.

God sent several people along to remind me that I am not worthless, but that I have great value to Him and to them.

It looks like I will get over this sinus infection without a doctor visit and a course of antibiotics.

Bottom line: even though in a lot of ways I have felt cursed, in some of the most important ways, I have indeed been blessed. In the midst of our most difficult times, God sends us moments of grace - little nods and winks to remind us that He loves us and has not abandoned us.

Is Everything Going To Be OK?

Once again it's time to say goodbye and release my children from their every-other-weekend visitation. Now comes the part where I sit and ponder my aloneness. Tonight it is a very tangible thing. Earlier I saw a promo for a show about a guy who is forty-five and single. He was wondering whether his future was one of dying alone. Later, I watched another show where, at the end, the main character stood pensively in the midst of a crowd as the vocalist on the soundtrack questioned, "am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life?"

These circumstances conspired against me. Soon I found myself asking God questions. "Will I ever find a soul mate or will I die alone?" "Will I ever know what it's like to not struggle financially?" "Will I ever 'feel' blessed again?"

God was strangely, worrisomely, silent.

I believe that there is a God. I believe that He loves me. I believe that in an instant things can change - and change dramatically. And yet, this seeming curse drags on. Five years now I have waited, for the most part, patiently. "Word of Faith" preachers say that all I have to do is confess and believe and it will happen, and that these unchanging circumstances are just the result of my lack of faith. The truth is that there is no guarantee.

In my Bible I find accounts of the lives of Godly men like John and Paul who were men of much greater faith than I, and probably much purer in thought and in deed than I, and yet they were exiled and martyred. I also find the account of Job who was rewarded with double what he had before his trials. I find scripture that says that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. The truth is that there is no guarantee.

People observe as I go through all of these trials. People tell me how much they resect the way I have handled myself through the divorce and the job upheaval and the health issues. People often tell me that after all of this, God must really have something good in store for me. The truth is that there is no guarantee.

Today my pastor preached about the New Heaven and the New Earth. What if I never taste of my reward while here on this Earth? What if I never see my reward until my death or His return? Am I okay with that? Do I have some sense of entitlement? Do I somehow feel that I am owed something while I am here? Is that what faith is?

I tend to think that faith is demonstrated more when things stay bad for a long time and a person remains faithful, than when circumstances turn around quickly. To my way of thinking, it takes much more faith to go through a ten year trial than a ten day trial. But, what if it's a rest-of-your-life trial? Is that the ultimate proving of faith, or the proof of a lack of faith?

I would love to say that everything will be OK - and soon! I would love the logic to go like this: God loves me, and God is powerful, therefore He will make everything OK - and soon! But even though God restored Job, he was given no such neat wrap up. All he was given was that God is God, and His perspective is vastly different and higher than ours.

When we cannot fathom His plans, we have to take Him on blind trust - the simple trust that He does have a plan and that it is good. Trust. Is that not the very essence of faith?

in beauteous synchronicity

i want to know you
to know and be known in-toto
and to find in that knowledge a kinship begotten of revealed similitude and compliment

i want to be near you
present in body and spirit
truly naked, feeling no shame, in total freedom and assurance

i want to linger in your presence
to abide in that precious, fleeting moment that transcends all that is temporal
and bask in the rapturous joy of intimate, timeless communion

i want to hold you
so close that nothing could conceive of coming between us
and feel our hearts beating in beauteous synchronicity