It has been said that the one constant is change. Disappointment, it seems, has also become a constant in my life.
Sunday, December 3rd , part of my reality changed. What I though was – wasn't. Perhaps reality itself did not change. Perhaps only my perception of reality changed. But, once again, whether brought on by someone else's words and actions, or brought on by my own inflated expectations, I find myself mired in disappointment once again.
Was I misinterpreting the situation? Was I blinded by my own want for it to be so?
I truly believed that I was on the verge of something remarkable in it's beauty and purity. Something based on openness, trust, mutual respect, and mutual attraction. What I thought was a flower about to blossom turned out to be more like an "Indian Summer"; awesome in it's promise of warmth and joy-filled playfulness, but fleeting and giving way to a wintry reality.
Sometimes I fear that loneliness will also be my constant companion. Don't get me wrong, a certain amount of solitude is good for a man. It's just that lately I fear that I will never know true companionship and deep intimacy again.
Of course to say 'again' implies that I knew it once. I am not certain that I ever have. Perhaps my perception of reality was inaccurate then as well.
Why is it so hard to discern reality? According to some quantum physicists the mere act of observation alters reality. So is reality therefore unknowable?
According to other quantum physicists we construct our own realities. So is there no reality or are there billions of realities?
Perhaps we each have our own reality – shaped partly by our desires and partly by the occasional glimpse of ultimate reality.
Apparently I had constructed my own reality but it was real only to me. That reality eventually collided with someone else's reality. It seems to me that there must be an ultimate reality that we both are straining to perceive.
But then, when it comes to relationships, what is reality? Is our relationship what I think it is? Is our relationship what you think it is? Is our relationship what this observer or that observer thinks it is?
Or, is a relationship something we create by combining our perceived relational realities together into one? In this "brave new world" of quantum physics is oneness possible? Is love a singularity?
Of course, as a Christian, I believe God to be the ultimate reality. In our current human situation God is not completely knowable. So then, in a sense, isn't all that we perceive a figment of God's imagination? He imagined and spoke and His creation is. His reality is. Is our struggle in reconciling our reality to His? Is reality not completely knowable because He is not completely knowable?
And, what has all of this to do with me not finding a wife yet?
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