Out Of My Anguish I Speak

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Out of our best and worst experiences are born our most honest expressions - art that moves others to think and to feel. And, today it is anguish that stirs my creative juices. So, as the Psalmists of old, I offer this lament.

I love you as much as it is possible for me to love. I try to be everything that a husband/father/friend (pick whichever applies) should be. What have I gotten in return but constant sorrow. Pain beyond my ability to feel. A crushed and broken spirit.

Loss after loss after loss. One by one, those I love turn their backs on me. Is there something wrong with me? Am I that unloveable? Is it my lot in life to eventually die unloved and alone? Will You, oh Lord, also eventually turn your countenance from me? Am I one of the ignoble vessels You created? Bound for no glory and no special purpose? To be tossed aside and broken on the stony ground after some brief, mundane use?

(At this point the tiny vessel rises up and demands some explanation from the potter. The potter looks up from his work briefly, a slightly amused look on his face, then returns to his work)

I have no more strength. No more tears left to cry. I give up. I surrender.

And that is where He comes to meet me. After all of my anger and hurt are finally poured out and spent, I turn my eyes up toward Heaven and surrender. I lean on my staff and worship. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the Name of The Lord.

(Now the potter once again turns his attention to the tiny vessel and carefully inscribes his mark on the bottom of it. He purses his lips and a faint grin of satisfaction is clearly visible on his face as he considers his creation and thinks about all the work that he has put into it ... and all of the work yet to be done.)

Oh God! - More Thoughts

Quote from a Starbucks cup:

"Why in moments of crisis do we ask God for strength and help? As cognitive beings, why would we ask something that may well be a figment of our imaginations for guidance? Why not search inside ourselves for the power to overcome? After all, we are strong enough to cause most of the catastrophes we need to endure."

* Caution, this one may be rated PG 13 *

In my experience there are two situations in which people are most likely to cry out "Oh God".

When faced with sudden shock, especially if it entails perceived danger to ourselves or others we may cry out – Oh God!

When at the height of sensual pleasure, such as the first glimpse of a breathtaking scene, or climbing into a comfortable bed after a hard days work, or especially at the climactic peak of sexual pleasure, we may cry out – Oh God!

I believe that at both of these times our human vocabulary fails us miserably. At these times we have no words to adequately express what we feel. In that brief moment of extreme anguish or ecstasy all that we can consciously think and feel and know is instantaneously stripped away. In that instant there is no time nor desire to rationalize, nor recall what should be done or said. Pure instinct takes over. All of life is broken down and the primal cry of our heart comes forth – the cry of man for his creator – so basic, so pure, so inescapable.

Sure people go through life saying things that they are conditioned to say. And, many times per day people may say trite things like "oh my God, did you see that?", never intending to actually invoke the name of any particular supreme deity. Just look at your kids IMs sometimes. How many times do you see omg (or omfg – don't get me started on that one). But, as I said earlier, there are times, horrifying or orgasmic, in the life of even the most jaded of us, where everything breaks down, like matter and time in the singularity of a black hole, and the guttural gasp of our spirit is heard. Spirit cries out to Spirit – Oh God – and He is always ready to answer. But, as quickly as the instant passes, we go back to our banal, daily existence and back to ignoring that which would fulfill us most.

The real question is not, why do we cry out to God in such extreme times. The real question is why do we ignore Him the rest of the time?

Oh God! - First Thoughts

Quote from a Starbucks cup:

"Why in moments of crisis do we ask God for strength and help? As cognitive beings, why would we ask something that may well be a figment of our imaginations for guidance? Why not search inside ourselves for the power to overcome? After all, we are strong enough to cause most of the catastrophes we need to endure."

I have already heard some of my Christian brothers and sisters calling for a boycott of Starbucks. My feelings on that are mixed. If I truly believed this to be a Starbucks corporate attack on God, I would probably stop going there. But, if it is indeed not necessarily the opinion of Starbucks, as the disclaimer indicates, and it is an honest question from a seeker, then why not engage in that conversation? Why not, as the Bible says, be always ready to answer any man who asks? Why not be engaged in day to day life and seek out those kinds of conversations as opportunities to be salt and light?

Have we as Christians become too isolationist? Have we become too intellectually lazy to join the battle and engage in the debate? Are too many of us Christians just not sure enough of what we believe or why we believe it? Are we too timid to enter the fray?

If I stopped going every place where some person might question the existence of God, I would have to join a monastery. Then I would even have to avoid my own thought life. I have been a believer for as long as I can remember. But, even so, there are still occasions when I question God's love or God's justice or even God's very existence. Hello? Any one else out there want to 'fess up?

Maybe we avoid those conversations because they bring out our own hidden doubts. That speaks to our condition, not to God's ability to defend Himself. He is more than able to stand up to our scrutiny.

If I stop frequenting Starbucks it will be because other places have coffee that I like just as well or better, or because I find their beverages overpriced, or because of their silly size naming scheme (maybe it's a tad petty, but I just refuse to play their little game – small is small – tall is tall - small is not tall – and don't get me started on that pretentious Venti business). As it now stands, I will probably frequent their establishment about as often as before, partly because I like the ambiance there and partly just hoping for the opportunity to have that conversation with an honest seeker.