I Feel ... Happy ...

Something has happened that was totally unexpected. It has really thrown me off my game.

Usually I can't wait to write - to work out my angst and vent my frustrations and find some catharsis for my tortured artist soul. It is so easy to write about pain, whether physical or emotional, or write about the lessons learned in a major trial or set back. When my back, or sinuses, or stomach, or head, or joints (literally speaking) or heart (figuratively speaking) hurts, the words just come pouring out of my psyche and spill out onto the page.

Over the last few weeks I have come to face something that I simply did not see coming – the very thing that I hope for and believe for, surprises when it suddenly appears. I'm not sure what causes it. I don't know how it happens. I'm not sure how to react to it. But ...

I feel ... happy ...

The word has been unfamiliar. The concept seems foreign. Through all of my tribulations I have managed to keep my deep, abiding joy, peace, and contentment, but this ... this is different. I actually feel ... good – no major aches or pains – no major crises. I hesitate to give utterance to it for fear of 'jinxing' it. My body feels good enough that I have been able to get out and hike and jog and bicycle and paddle and generally frolic about in the gorgeous Spring weather. And of course, the very act of doing so does wonders for the emotions and state of mental health.

All in all, I am very much enjoying life – which is quite worrisome!

Why is it that I rejoice whole heartedly when others get to enter into a season of rest and enjoyment, and I feel like they deserve it? Yet when it finally happens to me, I feel unworthy and ill at ease. Obviously God still has some work to do. I am not quite a finished product yet.

Lord help me to accept the good or the bad that is thrown at me with equal zeal and good cheer. They will both come and they will both go. Each season brings with it it's own lessons, it's own pitfalls, and it's own treasures. Each is valuable and necessary. Each is to be embraced and lived to the fullest.

Choosing Solitude

I am no big fan of waking up before dawn (or for waking up before noon for that matter), but it can definitely have it's rewards. As my alarm clock's grating tone jolted me into consciousness my first thoughts were, well ... shall we say less than warm and cuddly. Soon though, after a splash of warm water on my face, the shock of waking at four am quickly gave way to the anticipation of seeing our solar system's stellar anchor makes his six twenty-four am curtain call.

It had been so long since I had been alone out in the woods or the swamp, that I had forgotten how good it feels and how much it can nourish the soul. The joy I felt as I pointed myself toward the trail and began to walk, soon made the shrill, early morning revely worth enduring.

Only a short time into my “walk-a-bout”, distant yet familiar feelings began to emerge. There is something primal about being alone with nature. Instincts surface. Senses sharpen. Suddenly I could see, hear, and smell again. It was as if a cloak had been lifted or pipe unclogged. Suddenly a lizard scurrying through the leaves sounded as loud as a passing car would sound back in “normal” life. The usually faint, if at all noticeable, smell of Cypress was overwhelming. I could hear four to six different kinds of bird songs at any one time. I could see the world around me teeming with multitudes of flying, crawling, hopping, scurrying, and slithering creatures.

Each of these was seemingly totally engulfed in it's own little universe, and as far as I know, failing to see the big picture that I was taking in – in much the same way that I am totally immersed in my own microcosm and do not see God's grand scheme. As I focused on one little critter, I found that I was drawn into it's tiny world – in much the same way that I suppose God chooses to focus in on each of us, and understands, and in some way becomes a part of, our little existence. How great a Creator that can see the grand scale, and the end from the beginning, and yet can, and indeed has, come down to our level to see things from our vantage point.

Hour after hour I silently hiked through the picturesque South Louisiana scenery with the thought of uttering a sound never entering my mind. Here, with no one to hear them, any words I would have spoken would have seemed oddly out of place and unnecessary. It would have seemed almost irreverent – as if I were breaking some unspoken vow of silence.

I know that I have mentioned before in my writing, how beneficial solitude can be. It truly can, when done correctly and properly appreciated, refresh and invigorate the soul. The solitude that I experienced this day was in no way related to the occasional loneliness that I have also complained of from time to time. Maybe the difference and the satisfaction is in the fact that I could easily have had company on this excursion. Indeed, the very next day I did choose to indulge in a little companionship for the day's adventure and enjoyed that as well. But this day, I consciously chose solitude.

Having the freedom to choose to be alone or to choose to invite others along is a good feeling. Having grown as a person enough to appreciate one as well as the other is also a good feeling. Having overcome both my one-time desire to become a hermit and my one-time need to have someone around, and finally finding a good, healthy balance, may be the best feeling of all.

Two Lists

At some point a few years back, while I was in the very darkest days of a cruel injustice, I sat dejectedly at a cement table while waiting for my oil change to be completed, and compiled a list. Actually I compiled two lists - one list of the things that had been taken from me and another list of the things that could never be taken from me.

Today those lists came to mind and set my brain to pondering a few things. We all too often abdicate personal responsibility for our emotions and our actions and say things like:

"She MADE me so mad that I hit her."

"He didn't MAKE me happy any more, so I found someone new."

"My children DRIVE ME nuts."

"Higher prices MAKE me worry about the future."

In the course of talking to people about their divorces, sometimes they tell me what they believe MADE their spouse stop loving them. In response I ask "Did you MAKE them love you? Are you capable of MAKING someone love you?" (pause for the usual answer of no) "Then why do you think that you can MAKE someone stop loving you?" Usually after a few twists and turns we get around to this basic premise: you can do nothing to MAKE someone love you nor to MAKE them stop loving you.

Now, certainly you can do things, or neglect to do things, and some of these actions, or inactions, may make you harder to love and may make the relationship difficult, but in the end the truth is this, people CHOOSE to love you, and unfortunately, sometimes they CHOOSE to stop loving you.

Similarly, when we encounter difficult circumstances we can choose our response. Why should we ever give another person or give circumstances the power to MAKE us feel a certain way. If what you say or do can MAKE me feel a certain way, then you have power over me. If nothing you say or do can affect me, if no matter how out of control you get, I can remain in control, then I have the power!

You cannot take away my joy or my peace, I have to give those up.

You CAN take from me:

my house
time with my children
lots of my money
sex
companionship
my "married person" status
my chance at a fiftieth anniversary

You CANNOT take from me:

my joy
my peace
my relationship with God
my good name
my real friends
my talents

Look carefully at those two lists. Which things are more important? Which are lasting, nay eternal? Are not houses, children and status temporary things any way?

I know I whine too much at times. I am only human and no where near perfect. But at times, when I am thinking clearly, in moments of lucidity, when God's wisdom breaks through all of the inane and unprofitable thoughts that swirl in my undisciplined mind, truth wins the day and I choose to be joyful and I choose to be at peace.