Something has happened that was totally unexpected. It has really thrown me off my game.
Usually I can't wait to write - to work out my angst and vent my frustrations and find some catharsis for my tortured artist soul. It is so easy to write about pain, whether physical or emotional, or write about the lessons learned in a major trial or set back. When my back, or sinuses, or stomach, or head, or joints (literally speaking) or heart (figuratively speaking) hurts, the words just come pouring out of my psyche and spill out onto the page.
Over the last few weeks I have come to face something that I simply did not see coming – the very thing that I hope for and believe for, surprises when it suddenly appears. I'm not sure what causes it. I don't know how it happens. I'm not sure how to react to it. But ...
I feel ... happy ...
The word has been unfamiliar. The concept seems foreign. Through all of my tribulations I have managed to keep my deep, abiding joy, peace, and contentment, but this ... this is different. I actually feel ... good – no major aches or pains – no major crises. I hesitate to give utterance to it for fear of 'jinxing' it. My body feels good enough that I have been able to get out and hike and jog and bicycle and paddle and generally frolic about in the gorgeous Spring weather. And of course, the very act of doing so does wonders for the emotions and state of mental health.
All in all, I am very much enjoying life – which is quite worrisome!
Why is it that I rejoice whole heartedly when others get to enter into a season of rest and enjoyment, and I feel like they deserve it? Yet when it finally happens to me, I feel unworthy and ill at ease. Obviously God still has some work to do. I am not quite a finished product yet.
Lord help me to accept the good or the bad that is thrown at me with equal zeal and good cheer. They will both come and they will both go. Each season brings with it it's own lessons, it's own pitfalls, and it's own treasures. Each is valuable and necessary. Each is to be embraced and lived to the fullest.
