Two Lists

At some point a few years back, while I was in the very darkest days of a cruel injustice, I sat dejectedly at a cement table while waiting for my oil change to be completed, and compiled a list. Actually I compiled two lists - one list of the things that had been taken from me and another list of the things that could never be taken from me.

Today those lists came to mind and set my brain to pondering a few things. We all too often abdicate personal responsibility for our emotions and our actions and say things like:

"She MADE me so mad that I hit her."

"He didn't MAKE me happy any more, so I found someone new."

"My children DRIVE ME nuts."

"Higher prices MAKE me worry about the future."

In the course of talking to people about their divorces, sometimes they tell me what they believe MADE their spouse stop loving them. In response I ask "Did you MAKE them love you? Are you capable of MAKING someone love you?" (pause for the usual answer of no) "Then why do you think that you can MAKE someone stop loving you?" Usually after a few twists and turns we get around to this basic premise: you can do nothing to MAKE someone love you nor to MAKE them stop loving you.

Now, certainly you can do things, or neglect to do things, and some of these actions, or inactions, may make you harder to love and may make the relationship difficult, but in the end the truth is this, people CHOOSE to love you, and unfortunately, sometimes they CHOOSE to stop loving you.

Similarly, when we encounter difficult circumstances we can choose our response. Why should we ever give another person or give circumstances the power to MAKE us feel a certain way. If what you say or do can MAKE me feel a certain way, then you have power over me. If nothing you say or do can affect me, if no matter how out of control you get, I can remain in control, then I have the power!

You cannot take away my joy or my peace, I have to give those up.

You CAN take from me:

my house
time with my children
lots of my money
sex
companionship
my "married person" status
my chance at a fiftieth anniversary

You CANNOT take from me:

my joy
my peace
my relationship with God
my good name
my real friends
my talents

Look carefully at those two lists. Which things are more important? Which are lasting, nay eternal? Are not houses, children and status temporary things any way?

I know I whine too much at times. I am only human and no where near perfect. But at times, when I am thinking clearly, in moments of lucidity, when God's wisdom breaks through all of the inane and unprofitable thoughts that swirl in my undisciplined mind, truth wins the day and I choose to be joyful and I choose to be at peace.

I'll See You In Heaven Larry

I didn't see it covered on CNN, and it went mostly unnoticed by the public at large, but a man I greatly respect as a person and as an artist passed away this week. Or rather, he passed on into the real life that awaits all of us who believe in Jesus as he did.

He was one of the first and most influential of the modern breed of Christian artists. Larry Norman spoke and wrote openly, sincerely and with gut wrenching honesty of both his faith and his personal struggles. Always thought of as too much of a rock-n-roller and "long haired hippie freak" by the Christian establishment, and too much of a "Jesus freak" for the music world at large, he none the less won a following among a substantial number of us. Although, with his musical talent and lyrical transparency, he deserved a much wider audience.

Whether writing about personal heart ache, as in "Pardon Me", or about politics, as in "Reader's Digest", or about his unabashed Christian beliefs in songs such as "I Am a Servant", "Why Don't You Look Into Jesus", or "I Wish We'd All Been Ready", he never failed to touch me deeply. He was a true artist who knew how to turn a phrase, and how to painstakingly craft and deftly produce a song.

His trilogy of albums "Only Visiting This Planet", "So Long Ago The Garden" and "In Another Land" were some of my very favorite albums in my formative years and contain songs that to this day are still some of my favorites. They also rank consistently high in "Best Christian Albums Ever" lists.

I will always regret that I did not get to see him in person in this life. I know that I will see him in the next life, the real life, along with Kieth Green, Gene Eugene, Mark Heard, Rich Mullins and other talented believers who passed on at much too young an age.

Age Old Questions

Did I lie to God? Did I lie to myself? Maybe I really believed the words I spoke. “God, if You could just let one little thing go right ...”

And, He did.

In the midst of all that has gone wrong in the last week or so, I can definitely see the little “God winks” here and there. He has tried to remind me that He is still here with me. And yet, if He is with me, why - why the constant barrage of bad news?

I don't mean to whine. I don't mean to rehash all of the same old things again and again ... but, why?

Why do I have to give money, month after month, year after year, to the very people who broke my heart and crushed my spirit?

Why, if I am His child, have I come to feel so cursed and to expect bad news?

Why must I wait year after year for so many years that I begin to lose hope of ever finding a soul mate?

Why must I deal with sinus problems and back problems and stomach problems and eye problems and ear problems?

Why must I feel like God is not prospering the work of my hands?

Please don't get me wrong, I do not feel that God owes me anything. I just look around and see the people that caused so much pain and I see them seeming to prosper, while I struggle. Here again, please don't get me wrong, I am not looking up and screaming “no fair God!” Although, at times I do question God, and ask Him if there is justice in this life or if it is strictly a matter of eternal justice at the end of all things. Not that I desire vengeance, it would just be comforting to know that there is order and to see justice done. It would prove my faith in a just universe created by a just God is, shall we say, justified .

But, let me broaden things out a bit. What of the grander scale?

How many loan sharks, adulterers, crooked politicians, petty tyrants, cruel dictators and assorted ner'-do-wells will sleep in actual, or at least relative, luxury tonight? How many good fathers, faithful wives, missionaries to forgotten countries, loyal employees, likable classmates, and genuinely nice people will be cheated on, divorced, senselessly killed, unfairly fired, falsely accused, and otherwise wronged?

The questions are age old – why do the wicked prosper and why do the righteous suffer?

I have heard some very good, logical, theological arguments that soundly rebut the “if there is a God why is there evil” argument. But, cold hard facts don't always satisfy when you are in the middle of a crisis or a good pity party. In the midst of one such occurrence this thought crossed my mind – how do the people that do these awful things sleep at night? Do they really enjoy their apparent prosperity? Do they have real peace and joy and contentment?

Perhaps real prosperity is laying your head on your pillow at night knowing that you have purposely harmed no man. Perhaps being in right relationship and fellowship with your God adds more than enough peace and joy and contentment to your life to make up for all of the things that you feel are lacking.

Perhaps anyone who can sleep well at night after purposely harming another is so shallow and brutish that they are incapable of appreciating actual beauty and goodness. Perhaps, when I am thinking clearly again, I will pity them.