I Need My Pain

“I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!” - Capt. James Tiberius Kirk

OK, maybe he is a fictional captain of a fictional starship on a fictional five year mission. Maybe warp drives, sub space frequencies and beaming ourselves through space are all fiction. Maybe Klingons, Vulcans, and Tribles only exist in the minds of Sci-Fi fans and at Trekkie Conventions, but there is some truth in this quote.

I do need a certain amount of pain to mold me into something beyond my former self. Not that my former self was a terrible thing, but that me was not as strong or as useful or as deep or as able to empathize with others' pain as the person my life experience has formed.

Analogies to this principle abound. Precious metals are purified by fiery heat. Diamonds are formed through intense pressure transforming simple carbon into something both strong and beautiful. A seed must fall to the ground and die before it can grow into what it will be.

Gold is still gold as it is formed in the ground. It still is what it is. There is nothing wrong with it. But compare that to the finished product, after it has been purified, and the difference is astounding.

There is nothing at all wrong with carbon. It has many uses. But compare that to the strength and beauty of a diamond, forged over time in the intense pressure deep within the Earth, and you appreciate the difference.

What about a slab of marble? It is valuable in and of itself. But, how much does it's value and beauty increase as the master craftsman patiently chisels away at it?

How about the tree that produces beautiful fruit after a dormant season and a good pruning?

I guess my point is that we all gain strength, value and yes, even beauty – and produce more and better fruit – as we endure the heat, the pressure, the dying to self, the pruning and the patient chiseling by the hand of the Master.

As I was going through my divorce the pain and hurt were so intense that at times I felt like I could not take it for one more minute. I asked God over and over “why?”. Could He not have accomplished my growth by some less painful means? It was only over time that I realized that I am so stubborn, and slip so easily into complacency, that as long as I am comfortable, I will not change and grow.

Please don't think that at this point that I have it all together. It's not like I can say thank you God for allowing me to go through a divorce so that I could learn valuable lessons. I am not to that point yet. I may never be that spiritual. But I can say thank you God for all that you have taught me in going through this. Thank you God for not allowing it to be a wasted opportunity. Thank You that it was not just pointless suffering. Thank You for each lesson learned, even if the lesson came at a high price.

Pain is necessary.

However, on this point I must disagree with our intrepid, fictitious captain ...

I don't need to carry my pain around with me for the rest of my life!

As much as I need my pain, I also need it healed! I do need to carry around the lessons I have learned forever and make them a part of who I am. That does not mean that I need to carry the pain itself with me and to feel it for the rest of my life. Letting go of the pain does not mean that the scars or the lessons will be lost.

It is enough to remember my pain. Why drag it around like a ball and chain? Why let it drag me down? Why let it hamper me or slow me down? Why not throw off those shackles and cry freedom and walk on unencumbered?

Letting go of my pain – you wouldn't believe what I went through to learn that lesson ...

Policy Discussions In The Public Arena

Please let me apologize in advance. In no way do I wish to become a political blogger, but my writing is about whatever is on my mind and this issue has certainly been on my mind quite a bit lately. If any of you feel that this post reveals me as a member of the vast right wing conspiracy or a fundamentalist, evangelical, right wing extremist, then please accept my sincere, if half hearted ... "whatever".

Here is my burning question: when did it become okay to discuss matters of foreign policy in the public arena?

What kind of idiocy is it to tell your enemy, who is sworn to annihilate you:

• what you will or will not do in the course of interrogations?

• how long you will engage him in battle before you give up and go home?

• that you think the war is already lost?

• that "the nuclear option is off the table"?

• that you believe U.S. Forces are stretched too thin to effectively fight another campaign?

• that you not only disagree with, but will actively work to undermine the efforts of your commander-in-chief?

Some of those statements may in fact be valid. Some of those points absolutely need to be considered and debated from all sides. But, this debate should be done internally and with our best interests at heart, not publicly for the express purpose of denigrating your political adversary and furthering your own party's grab for for power!

The very fact that certain people drag this debate out onto the world stage instead of fighting for their positions within the halls of government and out of the glamor of the spotlight to me speaks volumes about their character and their motives. They behave recklessly and totally irresponsibly and endanger our country for the sake of self promotion and political grand standing.

To take these kinds of actions in hopes of gaining political power, the best interests of the United States, it's citizens, and it's fighting men and women be damned, is in my humble opinion at best reprehensible and at worst treasonous.

[stepping off of his soap box your humble author now returns to his normal, more introspective life]