Loneliness vs Black Berry Cobler

I guess I'll start by just getting this off of my chest – lately I have been lonely.

It's not that I don't have friends. I have amazing friends. It's not that I feel like no one loves me. I know for a fact that many people do.

Maybe it's because my children are growing up and don't keep in touch like they used to. Maybe it's because I haven't yet found that soul and spirit level companion that I so desire. Maybe it's that I haven't put as much time and energy into my relationship with God as I should. Maybe it's a bit of each of those ...

Sometimes I think that I may be relationally challenged. I always over think every aspect of every current, past and potential relationship. I alternate between feelings of superiority and feelings of utter inferiority. That which I long for the most is the very thing that I fear the most. I am both desirous of and fearful of intimacy. Wanting to be close to someone and yet seemingly unable to find someone to share my innermost being with.

A certain amount of solitude is good for a man. Sometimes I need some alone time to nourish my soul and spirit. When I was young(er) I used to joke that I would make a good hermit. No one to argue with. No one to nag me. No one to try to make me do things their way. No one who's feelings I might hurt if I say the wrong thing, or don't quite say the right thing, or I am silent too long, or not silent enough to listen to them. No one to hurt my feelings or shatter my delicate, man ego.

But, then again ... no one to encourage me when I feel down. No one for me to comfort when they feel down. No one to smile at or laugh with. No one to be intimate with. No hand to hold. No lips to kiss. No one to bounce ideas off of.

I have done the cost-to-benefit-ratio analysis on that one a number of times and come up with totally different answers at different times in my life.

Another thought crosses my mind. I have been alone and felt lonely. I have been married and felt lonely. The latter was far, far worse than the former. To dwell in the same house with someone, to see them and hear them and touch them and even be physically intimate with them, and feel no real soul level, spiritual connection is ... is ... I cannot find the right words ... intensely frustrating.

Ultimately, being alone and lonely is not the worst thing in the world. It is also something that I have some control over. I can choose to, as they say, "put myself out there". I can choose to take the initiative and be more of a friend to my friends. I can choose to strike up a conversation with any one at any time. I don't have to let my brain talk me out of things by bringing up ridiculous scenarios. I am too good for them. I am not good enough for them. What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? I'm too fat. They're too fat. I'm too skinny. They're too skinny. What if I have bad breath or something nasty looking stuck between my teeth, or my fly is open? (OK those are legitimate questions, you should probably check those things before any social encounter, but the rest of that was just crazy talk)

The worst thing in the world is not loneliness, it is fear. What could be worse than letting fear paralyze you into inaction? Rejection? I think not. If some reject you, who cares? Jesus is perfect, and look at how many reject Him. Someone's rejection of you says nothing about your worth. It only speaks to their inability to discern the specialness and the uniqueness that resides in each of us. There are people out there who get it. We may be in the minority, but we are here.

Think of it like picking black berries. You may get a few scratches and maybe even an ant bite or two, and you 'll probably need to scrape off your shoes before you get back in the truck, but in the end you will reap a tasty treasure and end up with a purple stained grin of satisfaction on your sun burnt face! In other words, it will be worth the effort, even if there are a few set backs and you experience some discomfort along the way.

My Sin - Your SIN

There are two types of sin in this world. Any one reading this who is a Roman Catholic would say "of course there are two types of sin, mortal sins and venial sins". I don't know about that, I've never been Roman Catholic, and I'm not much on splitting theological hairs. None the less, in my world there are two types of sin, my sins and your SINS.

You see, my sins are cute and cuddly. No big deal really. Sure they are a nuisance occasionally, but God understands. He winks at them and says "come on, you know we need to do something about this, right? Ya knuckle head". Then He sighs and rolls His eyes at me, musses my hair and grins that bemused, knowing, Ward Cleaver, 1970's-TV-sitcom-father grin. Then He goes about His fatherly duties (reading the paper and and commenting on how good dinner smells) confidant that I have learned my lesson.

Then there are your sins. Ugly, hideous, hellish atrocities that, by all rights, should bring down God's immediate wrath. Seriously, there should be a big, smoldering crater where you now stand. How dare you escape unscathed. You should be scathed ... or smote ... or something. In the Old Testament, you probably would have been stoned, or cut off from your people, or at least struck with leprosy or blindness or halitosis, or some other really nasty malady.

And yet, there you stand, apparently unmolested. What was God thinking? Did He let you off on some technicality? Was there a clerical error? Did you put one over on Him? Did His all seeing eye blink?

I can't quite wrap my mind around this one. My understanding of the coexistence of God's justice and God's mercy must not be quite perfect yet. I would love to help you see more clearly just how horrible your sins are, but I seemed to have misplaced my spectacles.