And Now For Something Completely Different -or- White Line Fever

Wow, what a change. I have left the white collar world of retailing for (in the words of Monty Python) "something completely different".

As I glided down Highway 23, heading toward Boothville, the sun was shining, the temperature was about seventy degrees, the humidity was around fifty percent, and the diesel engine was purring quite nicely. Then, suddenly, it hit me - "white-line-fever". It felt great to be out on the open road.

I have had ex drivers tell me how much they miss the "hotshot" lifestyle. Now I understand it. There is definitely something addictive about the freedom of the road.

The South Louisiana scenery has a certain understated beauty that I hadn't noticed in quite some time. The flatness of the terrain matches the flatness of the subtly varied Cajun accents. Each slightly different, depending on which bayou you follow, as it winds it's way down to the Gulf of Mexico. As the first day of spring unfolded, the water was a deep, rich blue, a perfect counterpoint to the still mostly light brown marsh grass, accented with the occasional sprig of bright, Eastery green just beginning to tentatively emerge.

The pelicans and egrets seemed to revel and frolic, and rejoice the the Earth's annual renewal. Who could blame them. While I could never match their revelry and frolicking, my heart was certainly rejoicing.

As I pondered this, I began to really miss the fluorescent world in which I had worked for most of my adult life. I began to miss the pressure of the sales floor I had so enjoyed while attempting to sell automobiles last year. I miss these things as much as I miss ... uhhh ... puberty, Junior High School, the feeling of inferiority my ex-wife always managed to evoke within me, my tonsils, nineteen eighties hair styles (etc., etc., you get the picture) ...

Change is good. I figure the more varied and diverse experiences we have in this life, the deeper and more well rounded a person we will become. I feel more alive now than I have in quite some time.

Sure, I know I'll be blogging at some point, whining about the traffic, and stupid drivers, and the potholes, but for now – it's all good.

Peace in the Process and Joy in the Journey

These hard times should not have taken me by surprise. I had actually been warned. Because of my spiritual heritage, I actually knew what to expect. And yet, when it happened, it still shocked me.

I have been putting two and two together and coming up with everything but four. Three point eight. Four point one. Close, but not quite. Today, as I was walking the track, some thoughts began to coalesce. A rare moment of lucidity overtook me and for a moment everything made sense.

A few months back, I publicly acknowledged a call to ministry on my life. Looking back, I realize that is when everything fell apart. Since then, I have had almost every opportunity to minister taken away from me by various circumstances – sickness, work, etc..

I have also struggled in every area of my life. I have struggled financially – I never have any money. I have struggled with personal holiness – if you could see and hear the thoughts that run through my mind you would be shocked and I would be very ashamed and embarrassed. I have struggled with my health – feeling functional is about the best I can hope for, I never actually feel "good". I have struggled with my faith – doubt, fear and depression are always right beside me, probing my defenses for an opening. I have struggled in my relationships – my relationships to other people and my relationship to God.

I guess I thought that the realization of my calling would bring the beginning of greater ministry. What it actually has been, is the beginning of more intense preparation. It seems that all of the little imperfections that I am okay with – are not okay with God. All of the things that I have held on to are being revealed to me for what they really are – monsters that can easily overtake and control me and steal my joy and my peace and my usefulness to God and my fellow man.

Yes, when you make a decision to be more useful to God, Satan will certainly attack you. But, God is ultimately in control. Satan's attacks are a means to God's ends. What Satan would use to destroy you, God uses to teach you and mold you, and work all of the dross and all of the crap out of your life. Hmmm, I believe there is a scripture to that effect.

Moses, David, Joseph and many other people we think of as saints and almost super human, were called at a young age. After that call came many dark years of training. Moses left behind his comfortable life as a ruler in Egypt, to wander in the wilderness. David lived for years as a hunted man, on the run from King Saul. Joseph was sold into slavery, then falsely accused and wrongly imprisoned. Perhaps that is the price to be payed. Perhaps tribulation is the currency that purchases greatness.

Think about it. What great lessons have you learned from doing something easy, while everything was going well? Were not your greatest lessons learned in the process of recovering from making a huge mistake or recovering from a heart wrenching setback, or overcoming an "impossible" obstacle?

As much as I say things in my life don't make any sense, I guess they really do. The secret must be in taking the time and making the effort to gain some perspective, and trusting that someone with an infinitely higher perspective is in control of it all.

Knowing that there is a plan, and that God is in control, and that He is using every bad thing to bring about good in us, makes it all a lot more bearable. It is not just pointless suffering. We don't just wait around and endure until the final victory. Peace and joy can be found here and now, in the middle of our struggles, as we daily die and daily overcome.

As I have said to friends of mine from time to time, "I don't want to wait until everything is okay, for me to be okay. I want to find peace in the process and joy in the journey."